Space Between

The last time I felt devastated was almost 15 years ago. I was not happy with my job in a multi-national company; Not happy with what I was doing; Not happy where I was; and lastly, not happy with how love treated me. Back then, I thought of going to another country to start a new life. I remember, I got 2 calls from an employer in Singapore, so I suppose, I was marketable even then. But it was more of a desperate move. Luckily, I got things a little bit straight. But only until such time. Today, I am feeling it again. Thinking of transferring to a new company and make a new story. Thinking of getting a new life and make new history. But just the past days, I thought of migrating to a new country.  Whaaaaat? I have never entertained the thought of living in a different country (Other than the case I mentioned). I love to travel, but living outside the Philippines despite the shitty government is not an option. But desperate feelings find desperate moves. I don't know! I have a lot ...

January pa lang but I feel like it's forever. We got sick. One big plan crushed. More frustrations. P800.00 thrown elsewhere. Brain is drained. Would have to wait for 12 more months before I can do something big. Please, kapit lang.  

Just a while ago, while I was getting interested in other people’s life, I bumped into a new word which exactly describes what I have been longing for for years- a rock. What would it be like to find someone rocker than you? What would life be to have a rock? What would it be like to share a life with a rock? I’m tired of being the rock of my own. I need a force stronger than me. Something similar but has other qualities. Something harder after a bad weather. Something stable when I am fickle. You’re right. That’s what I am looking for all this time. Surprisingly, I got that one from you. May napapala naman pala ako sa pagiging Marites ko.

I have been alone for years. And I wanted to be alone. But I still don't want to be alone. And it is okay to be alone.   But I am not alone.  Why do I feel alone? Because I wanted to be alone. But me alone is not being alone. I am not alone. I just think I am alone. And I am used to being alone. And it is okay to be alone.

I don’t even know how we got sick. You see, I have been very compliant with the rules since Day 1. I even add Science to my home policies to stay protected and safe ( Because IATF is simply unreliable for the past years). I see people going out. I hear people on vacations. I watch people loiter in malls. I hear people come and leave their houses. Mask on their chins. Kids tagged along. Chatting loudly. Like nothing is new.   And still, I decided to stay at home to keep myself and my family safe. And now, we’re sick. And still, people think they are responsible. Tingin niyo magandang tandem ang bulok na gobyerno at matigas na ulo na mga tao?!? Swerte niyo mga ooooll!  Yes, people around are so annoying. And they call themselves the smartest and even the best ones. Ugh.    Doing everything at home for years has become boring. Isolation is even more boring. Getting sick while stuck at home because of other people is its peak.

This has probably been the longest time I have been sick. Every morning, I check on myself and ask how I am feeling. It’s been 6 days now and I have not been getting a nice answer. Last weekend, I stayed on the bed for quite longer than usual. I curled myself up because as they say, rest and sleep will make me better. But hell knows how my brain works while on the bed, awake. Good thing that part of my thoughts that day is my usual weekend routine which is cleaning the CR. So I checked on myself if I can. And even if I still am not at my best, I requested my body to cooperate because my brain simply doesn’t want to stop pushing my ass. Then, I headed to the CR. Put on my gear. And there I was, gently making small scrubs to clean my private space. Not the usual thorough that I do but just enough to make me satisfied. Took a bath after. Laid back on my bed. Checked on myself again. Sighed. And then, rested a bit happier.