Space Between

Para sa akin, Tapos na 'yun. Nangyari na 'yun. Kung nakakuha ka ng apology o hindi, sincere man o hindi, pinagsisihan man o hindi, hindi na mababago ng panahon ang nangyari at ang nagawa niya. Sana lang hindi na maulit. Kaya sa huling pagkakataon, namnamin mo ang pakiramdam. Saglit lang, kung maari. Pagkatapos, ikahon mo na para hindi na muling dalawin ang utak at ang damdamin.  -Ako pa rin.  

Sometimes, I hate my life. I hate my choices. I hate my decisions. I hate what I have become. I hate my mind. I hate my self.  I hate my fate. (But I love my life because of my child)

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Literally and figuratively. My neck hurts. My heart is sore. My brain is sulking. My thoughts are here again. I drugged myself with caffeine today. Hoping to feel better. I shed tears while brushing my teeth a while ago. Hoping my ducts will be empty. I am writing. Hoping these thoughts will go away. I feel some relief. My cheeks are slowly starting to pull my lips upwards. My teeth are showing. My eyes are opening. Let me help myself more. This is so soothing.  Indeed, these words are better read than imagined. Keep pulling away from me so I can step back further. And eventually, slowly, I hope this is how easy everything will be.

Last week, I finally drove by myself. Aaaaand it was so liberating.  Since I was 18 years old, I have already had my professional Driver's License but did not practice that much because, one, manual transmission was very difficult for me and second, there is an upward road in our area which I just can't get through with. Dad even had to let go of our van because no one was driving it. Boo me. I'm such a disappointment.  So, for the past years, either I have to commute, hail a cab, book a Grab or depend on someone in order for me to go to places. (To be fair to life, I was able to get one but had to let go of it for a better life.) It was frustrating to have the capability to get one but not have the skill to navigate it. Even more to see your family get sweaty while chasing the Grab car or to get other people adjust their car space just for us to get accommodated. But tadaah. Fate said I need to do things by myself and wanted me to be road-independent. So, imagine having th...

My counsellor told me to jot down my feeling every time I have so much of it. So here I am complying. -Today, I am very much overwhelmed with a lot of things that I do not know. Being in my comfort zone for more than 15 years is taking its toll now. I am of age and is still realizing that I know very little now about the industry I have been with for 15 years. It’s frustrating, very. -Teach your sons how to be compassionate and responsible. Teach your sons how to treat women and not only on how to treat women by doing house chores. Those are different. Teach your sons how to be a good man in the future. Teach your sons so that you will no longer need to defend them in the future. -Someone once asked me if I miss the person. I said no. But I miss what a person can do to make life easier. -I asked God this morning- “Lord, ito na ba yun? Wala na ba talaga akong pag-asang magkaroon ng maasahan sa buhay?” Croo. Croo. -Sabi ni Pareng John Mayer, pagod na raw siya mag-isa. Eh paano pa...