Life in June and a Bit of July

My counsellor told me to jot down my feeling every time I have so much of it. So here I am complying.

-Today, I am very much overwhelmed with a lot of things that I do not know. Being in my comfort zone for more than 15 years is taking its toll now. I am of age and is still realizing that I know very little now about the industry I have been with for 15 years. It’s frustrating, very.

-Teach your sons how to be compassionate and responsible. Teach your sons how to treat women and not only on how to treat women by doing house chores. Those are different. Teach your sons how to be a good man in the future. Teach your sons so that you will no longer need to defend them in the future.

-Someone once asked me if I miss the person. I said no. But I miss what a person can do to make life easier.

-I asked God this morning- “Lord, ito na ba yun? Wala na ba talaga akong pag-asang magkaroon ng maasahan sa buhay?” Croo. Croo.

-Sabi ni Pareng John Mayer, pagod na raw siya mag-isa. Eh paano pa kaya ako?!? Kaya kung meron naman. Sana naman meron pa. Gusto ko naman po ng makakasama gawin ang buhay. Halika na dito.

-I once asked why life has been constantly telling me that I deserve to settle for less. I try to refute myself by arguing that what I got are still blessings and that not everyone receives the same blessing. But then, I reacted. I do not live other people’s lives. This is the life that I have to face.--- My everyday struggles. Haay.

-Why do I realize that I still do not have enough? When will I become satisfied? Is this the one for me henceforth?

-For the past months, I have been wearing my pandemic-torn Onitsuka shoes. From P5k 5 years ago, it is now priced at P7k. I haven’t had the budget to buy myself a new one because I have lots to pay. Buuut. I recently bought my son a new pair and another sandals since he has become bigger and has outgrown all his footwear. I am awaiting repairs for my car (thank you for this blessing) and allotted an amount for that. The insurance for my house, tuition for school and extra-curricular activities are next. Yes, these are now my priorities. 

Last night’s convo with my son was about things that I bought for him. He angrily told me that he did not ask for a new pair of shoes- which quite offended me because 1) I can’t even find the budget to buy me a new pair despite it being an eyesore already. If you know me, I am very particular with things that I have. Ayoko ng mga sira. Perl has been telling me to get a new one since I have money naman daw. But nope, I have allocations for that. So I have to wait until I have saved enough for a new one; 2) Kids are so ungrateful these days. Spoiled brats. I have been telling him of our life before and he is in disbelief on how we managed to stay alive. So annoying; 3) Adulting has been hard. Solo parenting has been hard. Life alone is hard. Life with “someone” is even harder. Life said I don’t need help. But I say, who doesn’t want any?   

-I became a monster again. Why did I become like this? I do not want this. Please get me back to me.

-Should I post this on my blog? Or just keep in my files? Who reads this anyway?!? So, here.

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