Space Between

I delivered my most wonderful creation in this world 4 months ago.   I remember looking at the mirror, trying to convince myself that everything aside from my growing tummy is unchanged, and feeling uglier and bigger each day.  I can still remember the times when I had 4 days of aching hip and I couldn’t even walk straight. I remember the first time the doctor had to do an internal exam on me. I can even remember the sound of the popped waterbag. I remember the fluctuating pain brought by contraction and the hope that it’ll soon be over. I remember screaming at my doctor when there was a sudden pain and all she did was smile like saying- “that is giving birth”.  I remember how numbness slowly ate a big part of me.  I even remember the conversation I had with my attending physicians before, during and after my son was pulled out from me. I remember begging not to have me sliced open. I remember hearing my baby’s fast heartbeat while inside me. I remember how afte...

The very long wait is over. If you know me better, you probably know for a fact that I am a very frugal person.  I often choose practicality over quality.  I forego the best just to save money. I even perfected the art of just staring and imagining to own something because I refuse to see descending money figures. It was a long discussion between myself and my savings. In the end, I had to tell myself that I need to spoil myself at times. Besides, there is none to do that until my son has a mind of his own and I remain to be the only woman he loves. After all, I pushed my baby out to see the world but ended up getting sliced open, turned a year older and had another Christmas—I guess I deserve something as a pat on my back. So just this year, after giving birth to my first child, I realized I shouldn’t starve myself anymore. Well, at least not until I am paying for my kid’s tuition.  What is the use of money if it will just stay in the bank? What is the sense...

Now, I can only dream and remember thoughts of  you. I bathe you while you also get me all soaked up. I feed you sugar and water whenever you feel like getting sick. I clean your wounds after your fights with the others to shoo them away. I carry you whenever youre too scared of the stairs. I scratch your nape whenever i notice that you feel youre being ignored. I drag you to the veterinarian's clinic for your vaccine.. which I know will be good for you. I brought you pasalubong whenever possible. I even stepped on your pests the last time we met. And i remember telling you to stay with us longer. But maybe, it is really your time. Thank you for the 10 loyal years. Thank you for being one of the smartest dogs I have ever known. It just saddens me that I never got to say goodbye personally. And that you didnt wait for Saturday to see me before you go. I hope you left peacefully. Although I heard you were crying a bit. I still hope you are better now. You wil...

Time flies very fast, indeed. Sometimes, its overwhelming. I got married in December 2013. Finally moved out from my parents’ home, which I occupied for 30 years, in January 2014. Dropped 2 floors down from our original 5 th floor unit to the 3 rd floor in February. And in March 2014, I got 2 positive lines on my pregnancy test as an answered prayer.  You see, I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)- a situation wherein  your ovaries find it hard to ovulate due to hormonal imbalance thereby reducing the chance of the sperm and egg to meet- more than 2 years ago and it has shattered my heart into pieces. Aside from the frustration, I have been under medication for almost 2 years. That’s actually an additional PhP1,200  from my monthly expenses and a scheduled routine of taking one capsule every 2PM. I remember what  Sushmita Sen’s (India’ representative to 1990something Miss Universe who was eventually crowned as the winner) winnin...

When I was younger, I often play the jobs of a cashier, a teacher, an office worker and even a bus conductor. I loved papers then. I also had a small blackboard wherein I would draw different faces. Mommy would bring me home scratch papers tied with a fastener to be my drawing book. Daddy would give me onion skins and carbon papers and from there, I would figure out how the ink travels from one point to another.  I would then sketch celebrities- who would eventually look like someone not who I intended to. I would make hills, clouds and girls clad in different outfits with my pen.  I guess I got a lot of practice there. When I was in highschool, I would rather doodle than listen during lectures. I would try to use my notebook and pen to copy the person writing on the blackboard. I would at times draw for group presentations. I also played volleyball. I enjoyed what I thought was enjoyable at that time. I never actually wanted the highest grades. I never wanted to be Ms. Popu...

Dear You, I know you are an uneraseable part of the past. But please, leave the thoughts of you behind and never come back. I dont want you lingering around my mind anymore. I dont want you bothering people I care about. I dont want you stealing what is supposed-to-be mine. I dont want you around. Peace, please. Please. Me.

I am sick. I wake up every morning thinking of all the conversations I should have had with people who continually judge me. And it ruins my morning. I am sick. I sit to do my rounds of nature, pour water on my hair and have myself filled with sud and simultaneously inhales scenarios of arguments should I encounter negativities of my environment. And it ruins my time for myself. I am sick. I wait in line for my transportation to work. Bake myself under the sun. Try to get some sleep on my way. While I do those, my eyes squint and my forehead wrinkles just imagining how bad I have become without the need to explain. An then, it ruins my travel. I am sick. I see people spit senseless conclusions while I stare in the computer screen. I strain my eyes, my ears and my head. And it ruins my work. I am sick. I travel to go home. I try to get something to make my stomach at the least happy, then I find none specifically.Then I go home, hungry and unhappy. And then, I just want to get s...