Space Between

It’s a new year and I realized, I have not written my thoughts for quite some time now. Days and months have passed, and things are quite the same still. You know what’s different? The impact. These days, I have quite grown to live with the challenges in my life. But don’t get me wrong. I still cry the ugliest cry. I still bawl in the CR in a snap. I still shout while driving. I still feel worried. I still feel anxious that anytime someone from behind will stab me, literally and figuratively. I still feel the pain. I still am sad of things that happened and that were done to me. But as they say, you do not and cannot forget the pain. You just learn to live with it. Until now, no one has sincerely sent an apology or showed regret. I shouldn't wait, really. Maybe there will come a time that they will realize the scar they left on me. Maybe not. And I am still trying not to care. I’m persuading myself that because I have different views and practice from people I grew up with,...

I got my salary last week. After a few days, it turned into less than a quarter of it. I have some for my gas and a little allowance. But that’s it. I was on lunch break. I asked a friend to go elsewhere with me so I can rant. He was working from home. I asked another, but he has not replied as of this time. Who do I turn to? No one in my mind. I thought of getting coffee. I finally had a commercial coffee last Monday after months of persuading myself. My budget still allows one for me. But I opted not to. I’ll just save money for something else my son and I really need. I wanted to entertain myself. I went down to find something interesting, which I do not even know what.   I thought of having retail therapy. But my budget says not now. I faced the mirror. I wasn’t happy. I have lines and they get more. I have loose skin. And I got unhappier. I paused from work. But I thought of something else. So I went back to grinding. I guess this is my life now- Alone, ageing, bor...

Today, I am playing chess with myself. I ran out of moves.  I don't know where to go anymore. Checkmate. Stalemate. But the good thing about the chess game is that you can easily wrap up and do another thing.  But life is not a chess game. You do not just wrap up and do another thing. In real life, you look back and see that the game you started is still there. Worse, at times, you start another game with another player and end up with the same thing. I don't want to play another chess game. My hands are full playing with my own games. 

Para sa akin, Tapos na 'yun. Nangyari na 'yun. Kung nakakuha ka ng apology o hindi, sincere man o hindi, pinagsisihan man o hindi, hindi na mababago ng panahon ang nangyari at ang nagawa niya. Sana lang hindi na maulit. Kaya sa huling pagkakataon, namnamin mo ang pakiramdam. Saglit lang, kung maari. Pagkatapos, ikahon mo na para hindi na muling dalawin ang utak at ang damdamin.  -Ako pa rin.  

Sometimes, I hate my life. I hate my choices. I hate my decisions. I hate what I have become. I hate my mind. I hate my self.  I hate my fate. (But I love my life because of my child)

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Literally and figuratively. My neck hurts. My heart is sore. My brain is sulking. My thoughts are here again. I drugged myself with caffeine today. Hoping to feel better. I shed tears while brushing my teeth a while ago. Hoping my ducts will be empty. I am writing. Hoping these thoughts will go away. I feel some relief. My cheeks are slowly starting to pull my lips upwards. My teeth are showing. My eyes are opening. Let me help myself more. This is so soothing.  Indeed, these words are better read than imagined. Keep pulling away from me so I can step back further. And eventually, slowly, I hope this is how easy everything will be.