Space Between

How do you know if things are worth it? How do you know if things are worth giving a try? How do you know if things are not just a waste of time? I don’t know.

I miss going out. I miss the gate outside our village. I miss riding in a car. I miss the breeze outside. I miss the scent of the mall. I miss the night lights. I miss chitchats. I miss laughters. I miss conversations. I miss the noise of people I love. I miss travelling. I miss eating out. I miss shopping. I miss walking. I miss the sight. I miss my clothes. I miss my watches. I miss my jewelries. I miss my shoes. I miss my bags. I miss dressing-up. I miss my blush. I miss my lip balm. I miss my lipsticks. I miss my perfumes. I miss my self made-up. I miss coffee. I miss cakes. I miss pastries. I miss the days. I miss the place. I miss you. I miss her. I miss them. I miss all of you. I miss life. My fingers are tired doing the talking. My butt is tired carrying all my weight. My mouth is tired entertaining myself. My brain is tired working with things alone. I'm exhausted and I miss myself. *Not a homebody. Hence, this craziness.

He said, “Just tell me when”. And I smiled with tears. 12.5 years. They still see you as the same thin girl from the corporate world seemingly unfamiliar with the works of the industry. They give you various kinds of work. They made you dance. They made you sing. They made you do what you never imagined when you were even younger. They make you write anything they want to. They make you invent things. They make you do regular jobs and expect you to produce the same with those thought with greener degrees. They make you do tasks they will never ask other people to do. They make you work fast, faster and even the fastest when things are running out of time. They even make you work like there is no time. They make you do the dirty work. They talk about you. They make stories about you. They smirk at you. They frown at you. They drop you. They forget all about you. They made you do this. And one day, they will miss you.

So many demons running in my head. Replaying events which remained a question for a while, answered but were not parallel to what really transpired. I was not born yesterday. In fact, I was born years ago, with battle scars here and there. Some have healed. Some, still hurt inside but look better in the naked eye. Today, I’m wondering why I am writing this. The last time I penned one ended after so many times of struggling. Is this a sign I always tend to smirk at? Admittedly, I sometimes become naive. I am stupid. I am stubborn. I am uplifted by all the butterflies inside me. But, I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to know how it really feels to be happy. Not only because someone said that I deserve to be one, but I think, that is what any person passionately doing her job actually deserves. So yeah. I have a right to ask myself. I am free to find what will make me believe. I can look around for my own sanity. Because no one else will do that for me. Not in this lifet...

It has been a month since the lockdown. Government confirmed that it will continue until the end of the month. People remain hungry. News here and there still make me teary-eyed and, futile. This shitty virus is still around and is continuing to do its job. Bad and sad updates every day. Got nothing good to do but to stay here until everything has cleared-up. I am bored. This has probably been the longest I have consecutively stayed in the house. But boredom is an understatement and is already coming with an irony. I have things to attend to. I have work to do. I have a child to take care of. But, I cannot do my chores. I cannot buy things. I cannot solve my problems. I cannot satisfy my cravings. I cannot live my life. The lockdown has been making me inefficient since I cannot fathom when anymore. These days are rather making my temper rise; my patience snap into pieces; and my sanity run in circles. I cannot do this anymore. But, yeah, I need to. My hands are empty, yet, I have a l...

Dear Heavens, Please grant me clean air to gasp for things I can no longer take in anymore. Please grant me the knowledge to decide on things that will not keep me sane and alive. Please grant me the patience to understand things per se; their purpose, their worth and their intent. Because I just cannot understand. I cannot understand. I cannot understand anymore. I cannot understand. I just cannot understand. I don’t know and I really cannot understand. -Me

So, I guess this is not the best time to rant about my issues in life. Not at this time when people are fighting for their and other people's lives. Not at this time when people are complaining, waiting and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I know, not now. But this is my blog anyway. Lesser audience. Lesser judgments. Lesser bashing. I actually have no idea why I need to visit my blog. I don't know why I need to stare at this screen. I just feel the need to. My mind has not been allowing me to get enough sleep these days, and well, that's not something new. But maybe, writing about nothing is helpful. Writing about being nothing is worth writing. Writing about nothing is what I need to do. These days, many things play inside my head and all those point to one thing-- wait for the right time. Wait for formalities. Wait for acceptance. Wait for understanding. Wait for improvement. Wait for betterment. The latter being the hardest thing to wait for. But yes, sy...