Space Between

Today, I am writing again. My friend said I have a way of presenting myself as okay but my blog reads otherwise. So yeah, I found myself writing again after a few months of trying to heal myself. Counting my wounds from the past years, I did the Math and came up with different batches. There were those which have already healed but for reasons I know, kept coming back in different forms. There are those which are still there, waiting for time to finally heal them. There are those which continue to hurt so bad that even just a tinge of word makes them bleed some more. And sadly, I got new ones to take care of.  For now, I continue to ask for healing. And as I have learned, time can only do so much and thus, needs help of the heart and the brain.  So for the nth time, let me help me. Let me heal me. Heal me. Heal. Me.

Last night, I had my heart scarred again. Last night, I heard myself saying the same phrases again. Last night, I saw myself writing notes again. Last night, I told myself I don’t deserve having the same kind this time then again. Last night was another one of those nights.   It’s morning now and I already woke up from last night.  

I feel bad today. I shouldn’t be feeling this but I still do.  I can’t change. I can’t change people all the more. But I can change situations.  I feel bad. I shouldn’t be feeling this anymore. And I feel bad because I am feeling bad.  Ugh. I hate myself. 

What happened to me? What happened to me? What happened to me?

The past months with my home being the place both for my personal and work stuff have been crazy. For the social person that I am, breaking down is already introducing himself but I refused to entertain anybody. Good thing my little niche are not mediocre and are sincere enough to give the much needed light for these dark stages.   So for the past months, I developed some things. Some I may not be proud of, but are helpful in dealing with my stress and anxiety during my sleepless nights:   1. Art of stress-eating. Junk food, check! 2. Art of cutting ties. 3. Art of being treated special. 4. Art of not looking too far ahead. 5. Art of not thinking too much. 6. Art of cropping imagination. 7. Art of tightening a shorter belt. 8. Art of being apathetic. 9. Art of accepting reality, it hurts. 10. Art of slowly moving on from things that  may  not happen. 11. Art of slowly moving on from things that actually happened. 12. Art of praying harder and hardest. 13. Art of ...

I have been not the best person ever since the lockdown has been implemented. For a social person that I am, the corners of the house seem to be so suffocating. The isolation has been sinking me further in a pit hole. The noise inside my brain is getting louder and louder. Anxiety has comfortably saw its own room somewhere inside myself.-- This is sickening. I need a break. I want to live longer. But, I can’t be social, just yet. Recently, friends have been making me feel their presence even from a distance. Got a few things, some happy food and even basic necessities without even asking for any of it. More to these are the best words in every conversation to at the least help fight the bullies in my mind.  Haaaay. This is actually one of the reasons why I still feel lucky despite all the awful and regretful things that happened in my life. And I am everyday thankful for that. So today, I realized, I could have done several bad decisions in my life, but, yeah, I have ...

How do you know if things are worth it? How do you know if things are worth giving a try? How do you know if things are not just a waste of time? I don’t know.