Space Between

Today, I am playing chess with myself. I ran out of moves.  I don't know where to go anymore. Checkmate. Stalemate. But the good thing about the chess game is that you can easily wrap up and do another thing.  But life is not a chess game. You do not just wrap up and do another thing. In real life, you look back and see that the game you started is still there. Worse, at times, you start another game with another player and end up with the same thing. I don't want to play another chess game. My hands are full playing with my own games. 

Para sa akin, Tapos na 'yun. Nangyari na 'yun. Kung nakakuha ka ng apology o hindi, sincere man o hindi, pinagsisihan man o hindi, hindi na mababago ng panahon ang nangyari at ang nagawa niya. Sana lang hindi na maulit. Kaya sa huling pagkakataon, namnamin mo ang pakiramdam. Saglit lang, kung maari. Pagkatapos, ikahon mo na para hindi na muling dalawin ang utak at ang damdamin.  -Ako pa rin.  

Sometimes, I hate my life. I hate my choices. I hate my decisions. I hate what I have become. I hate my mind. I hate my self.  I hate my fate. (But I love my life because of my child)

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Literally and figuratively. My neck hurts. My heart is sore. My brain is sulking. My thoughts are here again. I drugged myself with caffeine today. Hoping to feel better. I shed tears while brushing my teeth a while ago. Hoping my ducts will be empty. I am writing. Hoping these thoughts will go away. I feel some relief. My cheeks are slowly starting to pull my lips upwards. My teeth are showing. My eyes are opening. Let me help myself more. This is so soothing.  Indeed, these words are better read than imagined. Keep pulling away from me so I can step back further. And eventually, slowly, I hope this is how easy everything will be.

Last week, I finally drove by myself. Aaaaand it was so liberating.  Since I was 18 years old, I have already had my professional Driver's License but did not practice that much because, one, manual transmission was very difficult for me and second, there is an upward road in our area which I just can't get through with. Dad even had to let go of our van because no one was driving it. Boo me. I'm such a disappointment.  So, for the past years, either I have to commute, hail a cab, book a Grab or depend on someone in order for me to go to places. (To be fair to life, I was able to get one but had to let go of it for a better life.) It was frustrating to have the capability to get one but not have the skill to navigate it. Even more to see your family get sweaty while chasing the Grab car or to get other people adjust their car space just for us to get accommodated. But tadaah. Fate said I need to do things by myself and wanted me to be road-independent. So, imagine having th...

My counsellor told me to jot down my feeling every time I have so much of it. So here I am complying. -Today, I am very much overwhelmed with a lot of things that I do not know. Being in my comfort zone for more than 15 years is taking its toll now. I am of age and is still realizing that I know very little now about the industry I have been with for 15 years. It’s frustrating, very. -Teach your sons how to be compassionate and responsible. Teach your sons how to treat women and not only on how to treat women by doing house chores. Those are different. Teach your sons how to be a good man in the future. Teach your sons so that you will no longer need to defend them in the future. -Someone once asked me if I miss the person. I said no. But I miss what a person can do to make life easier. -I asked God this morning- “Lord, ito na ba yun? Wala na ba talaga akong pag-asang magkaroon ng maasahan sa buhay?” Croo. Croo. -Sabi ni Pareng John Mayer, pagod na raw siya mag-isa. Eh paano pa...

Today, I’m writing this away from the career I had for more than 15 years. Yes, I started anew after a painful journey. And although it ended with a heartbreak, it also reminded me to start moving on. So how do I move on? This is actually not only about my career life. This is about my life, per se. To sum up- I had my fair share of bad relationships; unresolved childhood issues; wrong decisions; bad moods and habits; trust issues and probably, current substandard solutions. I am so mad at myself for doing things over and over again. I have been reading and hearing stuff which I need to do but the pain of letting go seems harder than having to endure the same thing as shit happens. Well, maybe not for all, though. On a lighter note, I started accepting some relationships I have as it is. I have been faced with years and years of evidence and I guess, it’s time to take one step backwards and stare at certainty. I could have lost in defending myself in that area but it’s not a batt...