Angst

I realized, I grew up collecting angst. Its not that I am an angry person. Neither am I an ill-tempered person.  Its just might be that I have collected thoughts within myself that have not gotten the slightest chance to be spewed to the most appropriate person.  In short, hindi nakarating sa paroroonan.  Although I believe I am a confrontational person, I guess I am still left misunderstood. 

The other night, I again cried myself to sleep. My bed has again witnessed me at my weakest time and point of the day—and that is before I sleep. I have been fighting with the very same argument ever since I got my brain to function on its own.  And the other very same argument has been fighting back since I don’t remember anymore.  I thought I can let go and forgive accusations. But words have this way of penetrating your soul that simply leave you bursting-then-wounded inside.  Thank goodness I have walls as my physique. Then, pain just doesn’t show easily. 

As always, I got suggestions to take my cool in handling the same events. Swallow my words. Weaken my defenses.  I know. But if I do that, wouldn’t it just stop bleeding on one part of the wound? It has to go both ways.  And, as a believer of the beauty of an open communication, I firmly trust in an exchange of words for concerned parties to realize each side.  Unless of course there would be a voluntary self-assessment, which I think is unlikely to often happen.  And in its absence, I do not expect a smoothened road, but rather, a pitted road with a just a temporary cover.

So from there, I guess, what I always aim will not yet happen. In time, I hope, people will get it.  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
I desire to live a free and rationale life. But with the limited number of persons who live with the same, I guess I desire the impossible. 

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