Moving Out

I hope the saying that what you do on the first day of the year is a reflection of the upcoming days of your new year, is not true.  Because if that is, I am incessantly crying this 2012.

Yes, I ended 2011 and started 2012 crying.  I have been praying to the Heavens to finally get this load I have been carrying since I don’t remember anymore. I don’t want to feel this anymore.  I try to fight it, really, but its virus keeps atacking me so bad that I feel like I am so weak and nearing death.

And now, I am seriously considering staying away from its causes. I want to move out.

I remember a friend suggesting to me the very same idea when I confided my worries on responsibilities I am about to face. Actually, they are not MY responsibilities, but, just because I wanted life to be easier for my parents, I decided to take those as mine.  The idea is simple though, but its not that easy.—You see, I grew up in a very traditional family.  One rule, although unwritten, our house has is that nobody leaves the house unless married.  I am not getting married anytime soon. And you know what, I actually don’t want to break that. Even if the same people I protect think that I have long been intending to break that, I still don’t plant to and I don’t really want to… until today.

I am tired of playing a kontrabida role when all I want is to help the 2 most important people of my life.  I am tired of begging to be understood.  I am tired of wanting what I can't have. I am tired of getting a fair share of love.

(Sorry, I cannot post the internal parts of this blog. It might be too much.)

I know you are tired of me too.  I know you see me as the meanest amongst all.  And I know, I have hurt you a lot. I know you don’t want me anymore. But what you don’t know is that, you just don’t understand the person that I am. If you’ll just give me a chance. But I guess, that will never happen. 

My friend once said stay away from those which make you feel unloved.  And, love yourself because nobody else can the way you do. I think, that’s best for now.

So, for the betterment of all. I am moving out. With a heavy but hoping to heal heart.

*When? I still dont know. 

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