Moving On

Today, I’m writing this away from the career I had for more than 15 years. Yes, I started anew after a painful journey. And although it ended with a heartbreak, it also reminded me to start moving on.

So how do I move on?

This is actually not only about my career life. This is about my life, per se. To sum up- I had my fair share of bad relationships; unresolved childhood issues; wrong decisions; bad moods and habits; trust issues and probably, current substandard solutions. I am so mad at myself for doing things over and over again. I have been reading and hearing stuff which I need to do but the pain of letting go seems harder than having to endure the same thing as shit happens. Well, maybe not for all, though.

On a lighter note, I started accepting some relationships I have as it is. I have been faced with years and years of evidence and I guess, it’s time to take one step backwards and stare at certainty. I could have lost in defending myself in that area but it’s not a battle I want to have anymore, anyway. So, I guess, it’s time to concede to no one, but myself.

But here goes another. I am at the brink of exhaustion again. I think, I may have started something similar to what I had and what I had to let go of before. Oftentimes, I stare through walls wondering why the heck I am in the same situation again when I prayed hard to let go of it. Well, I shouldn’t blame prayers for that so let me take that back. But just to say, I prayed and pray hard, most of the time ending in tears, just to find peace in all of these.

I am not stupid. But I do not get why I always end up doing the same things. Maybe I did not receive all the warmth I needed to keep me secure. And for someone persistent, “trying again” is a very simple thing. Then, maybe I became too hard on myself. And maybe I was also too idealistic. Too hopeful and sometimes already wishful thinking. It’s an irony that despite all these, I still decided on settling for anything served first to me- not having the patience to wait and to further endure waiting for more, if there is, indeed something more. And in the end, I am unsatisfied. I am looking for something new. I am shaky. Unstable. I am annoyed at myself once again while writing this.

Now, I ask, do people get the same chances in life? I know life is not fair but is it really dependent on decisions made in the past? I’ve read about understanding patterns to make you realize the cause of issues. So how do I rewire my brain at this age? How do I even know that what I will do will be the right way? How do I find the stable flow of electrical signals through my nerves?

I said I will be moving on. It’s hard, really. I know that the first step in doing this is to realize the need to start stepping forward. I’m scared. I am so bad with goodbyes and in dealing with hurt in a different way. I don’t want another blow other than the usual. So the question remains, how do I move on?

I said, I will move forward. Today, I again counted my blessings and was about to use my toes already. As I always say, I am still lucky because of people around me, for resources, for ability to spend, for work and for every single day. I might have forgotten some, actually. Anyway, appreciating what is present is part of moving on. So yeah, here I am at Step 1. I might be crawling; sometimes resting; looking backwards and moving. And hopefully, I keep moving on.