Space Between

I sit here waiting for my birthday. Thinking. Hoping. I sit here staring at the window. Thinking. Flying. I sit here dreaming. Thinking. Giggling. I sit here drowning with thoughts. Thinking. Fighting. I sit here crying all the pain out. Thinking. Healing. I sit here smiling at my love. Thinking. Patting my back. I sit here resting while I can. Thinking. Believing. I sit here frowning at thoughts. Thinking. Nodding. I sit here checking the time. Thinking. Recalling. I sit here pouring my brain. Thinking. Recording. I sit here writing. Thinking. Reflecting. I sit here. Thinking. Living. Breathing. Loving. I sit still. But inside, everything is working.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have no plans, really. It was actually just a few days ago when I thought of taking a "leave" from work. "Leave" because when you are working at home, there is no such thing as leaving work. But after that, I have none until this very moment. This feeling is so strange I barely recognize it. Since when did I lose my enthusiasm for my birthday? I don't know but the nothingness in me is unfathomable. Grateful, still, for another year.  Thank you.  

I stopped listening to music for quite some time now. For someone who dissects every word in every statement of a verse, the story of a song is not being helpful at this time of my life. I remember people. I remember scenarios. I create scenes. I open my wounds. And since I cannot help myself from being cognitive about every intent of each stanza, I’d rather quit listening to music which I once loved and rather move on to something which can actually help me. Then I discovered Podcasts. It feels like I have friends talking around. It brings back the feeling that I truly miss. It gets me to a place where I cannot go to right now. It nourishes my brain with things I don’t have at present. It takes me back to the days when my self is full, absent bottles of beer. I guess this solitary will take some time to vanish, if fate will permit. But good thing there is technology and innovations to cover up. There are friends and some family members, who may not be physically there, but at le...

Today, I am writing again. My friend said I have a way of presenting myself as okay but my blog reads otherwise. So yeah, I found myself writing again after a few months of trying to heal myself. Counting my wounds from the past years, I did the Math and came up with different batches. There were those which have already healed but for reasons I know, kept coming back in different forms. There are those which are still there, waiting for time to finally heal them. There are those which continue to hurt so bad that even just a tinge of word makes them bleed some more. And sadly, I got new ones to take care of.  For now, I continue to ask for healing. And as I have learned, time can only do so much and thus, needs help of the heart and the brain.  So for the nth time, let me help me. Let me heal me. Heal me. Heal. Me.

Last night, I had my heart scarred again. Last night, I heard myself saying the same phrases again. Last night, I saw myself writing notes again. Last night, I told myself I don’t deserve having the same kind this time then again. Last night was another one of those nights.   It’s morning now and I already woke up from last night.  

I feel bad today. I shouldn’t be feeling this but I still do.  I can’t change. I can’t change people all the more. But I can change situations.  I feel bad. I shouldn’t be feeling this anymore. And I feel bad because I am feeling bad.  Ugh. I hate myself. 

What happened to me? What happened to me? What happened to me?