Space Between

Today, I’m writing this away from the career I had for more than 15 years. Yes, I started anew after a painful journey. And although it ended with a heartbreak, it also reminded me to start moving on. So how do I move on? This is actually not only about my career life. This is about my life, per se. To sum up- I had my fair share of bad relationships; unresolved childhood issues; wrong decisions; bad moods and habits; trust issues and probably, current substandard solutions. I am so mad at myself for doing things over and over again. I have been reading and hearing stuff which I need to do but the pain of letting go seems harder than having to endure the same thing as shit happens. Well, maybe not for all, though. On a lighter note, I started accepting some relationships I have as it is. I have been faced with years and years of evidence and I guess, it’s time to take one step backwards and stare at certainty. I could have lost in defending myself in that area but it’s not a batt...

 I know you have caused joy in my life. But you, at the same time, has caused so much pain and disappointments in the span of your stay. I am not sure if you have to stay. - Me to my girdle. Hoho.

I have been crying for several months already. I even reached the point when I do not recognize the reason why I am crying anymore. Although I know the factors contributing to it, I cannot pinpoint anymore which amongst those caused again the tears. Eventually, my eyes ran out of tears and I went back to my civil self again. My friend told me that I had so many issues on my hands. The same friend suggested to handle things one at a time. As I multi-tasker, I wanted to accomplish tasks all in one sitting, if I can. And I though I can, fate has other plans.  So here I am, waiting for the time fate has written for me. I am about to finish one in a month, hopefully, but then, the reason for it is already far out of my hands at this time. Still, I am hopeful that fate has better plans. So, please, fate, I have faith in you. Please have better a horizon for me.

I now understand this feeling. You look at them and they are not like you. You look at them and they don't act like you. You look at them and they have things not in you. And then, there's the feeling again. I know this.  Everyone utters this. Everyone hates this. Everyone blames this. And I am one of everyone. Then, you look at them and they don't seem to have this feeling with you. You look at them, back again.

The last time I felt devastated was almost 15 years ago. I was not happy with my job in a multi-national company; Not happy with what I was doing; Not happy where I was; and lastly, not happy with how love treated me. Back then, I thought of going to another country to start a new life. I remember, I got 2 calls from an employer in Singapore, so I suppose, I was marketable even then. But it was more of a desperate move. Luckily, I got things a little bit straight. But only until such time. Today, I am feeling it again. Thinking of transferring to a new company and make a new story. Thinking of getting a new life and make new history. But just the past days, I thought of migrating to a new country.  Whaaaaat? I have never entertained the thought of living in a different country (Other than the case I mentioned). I love to travel, but living outside the Philippines despite the shitty government is not an option. But desperate feelings find desperate moves. I don't know! I have a lot ...

January pa lang but I feel like it's forever. We got sick. One big plan crushed. More frustrations. P800.00 thrown elsewhere. Brain is drained. Would have to wait for 12 more months before I can do something big. Please, kapit lang.  

Just a while ago, while I was getting interested in other people’s life, I bumped into a new word which exactly describes what I have been longing for for years- a rock. What would it be like to find someone rocker than you? What would life be to have a rock? What would it be like to share a life with a rock? I’m tired of being the rock of my own. I need a force stronger than me. Something similar but has other qualities. Something harder after a bad weather. Something stable when I am fickle. You’re right. That’s what I am looking for all this time. Surprisingly, I got that one from you. May napapala naman pala ako sa pagiging Marites ko.