Space Between

Last week, I finally drove by myself. Aaaaand it was so liberating.  Since I was 18 years old, I have already had my professional Driver's License but did not practice that much because, one, manual transmission was very difficult for me and second, there is an upward road in our area which I just can't get through with. Dad even had to let go of our van because no one was driving it. Boo me. I'm such a disappointment.  So, for the past years, either I have to commute, hail a cab, book a Grab or depend on someone in order for me to go to places. (To be fair to life, I was able to get one but had to let go of it for a better life.) It was frustrating to have the capability to get one but not have the skill to navigate it. Even more to see your family get sweaty while chasing the Grab car or to get other people adjust their car space just for us to get accommodated. But tadaah. Fate said I need to do things by myself and wanted me to be road-independent. So, imagine having th...

My counsellor told me to jot down my feeling every time I have so much of it. So here I am complying. -Today, I am very much overwhelmed with a lot of things that I do not know. Being in my comfort zone for more than 15 years is taking its toll now. I am of age and is still realizing that I know very little now about the industry I have been with for 15 years. It’s frustrating, very. -Teach your sons how to be compassionate and responsible. Teach your sons how to treat women and not only on how to treat women by doing house chores. Those are different. Teach your sons how to be a good man in the future. Teach your sons so that you will no longer need to defend them in the future. -Someone once asked me if I miss the person. I said no. But I miss what a person can do to make life easier. -I asked God this morning- “Lord, ito na ba yun? Wala na ba talaga akong pag-asang magkaroon ng maasahan sa buhay?” Croo. Croo. -Sabi ni Pareng John Mayer, pagod na raw siya mag-isa. Eh paano pa...

Today, I’m writing this away from the career I had for more than 15 years. Yes, I started anew after a painful journey. And although it ended with a heartbreak, it also reminded me to start moving on. So how do I move on? This is actually not only about my career life. This is about my life, per se. To sum up- I had my fair share of bad relationships; unresolved childhood issues; wrong decisions; bad moods and habits; trust issues and probably, current substandard solutions. I am so mad at myself for doing things over and over again. I have been reading and hearing stuff which I need to do but the pain of letting go seems harder than having to endure the same thing as shit happens. Well, maybe not for all, though. On a lighter note, I started accepting some relationships I have as it is. I have been faced with years and years of evidence and I guess, it’s time to take one step backwards and stare at certainty. I could have lost in defending myself in that area but it’s not a batt...

 I know you have caused joy in my life. But you, at the same time, has caused so much pain and disappointments in the span of your stay. I am not sure if you have to stay. - Me to my girdle. Hoho.

I have been crying for several months already. I even reached the point when I do not recognize the reason why I am crying anymore. Although I know the factors contributing to it, I cannot pinpoint anymore which amongst those caused again the tears. Eventually, my eyes ran out of tears and I went back to my civil self again. My friend told me that I had so many issues on my hands. The same friend suggested to handle things one at a time. As I multi-tasker, I wanted to accomplish tasks all in one sitting, if I can. And I though I can, fate has other plans.  So here I am, waiting for the time fate has written for me. I am about to finish one in a month, hopefully, but then, the reason for it is already far out of my hands at this time. Still, I am hopeful that fate has better plans. So, please, fate, I have faith in you. Please have better a horizon for me.

I now understand this feeling. You look at them and they are not like you. You look at them and they don't act like you. You look at them and they have things not in you. And then, there's the feeling again. I know this.  Everyone utters this. Everyone hates this. Everyone blames this. And I am one of everyone. Then, you look at them and they don't seem to have this feeling with you. You look at them, back again.

The last time I felt devastated was almost 15 years ago. I was not happy with my job in a multi-national company; Not happy with what I was doing; Not happy where I was; and lastly, not happy with how love treated me. Back then, I thought of going to another country to start a new life. I remember, I got 2 calls from an employer in Singapore, so I suppose, I was marketable even then. But it was more of a desperate move. Luckily, I got things a little bit straight. But only until such time. Today, I am feeling it again. Thinking of transferring to a new company and make a new story. Thinking of getting a new life and make new history. But just the past days, I thought of migrating to a new country.  Whaaaaat? I have never entertained the thought of living in a different country (Other than the case I mentioned). I love to travel, but living outside the Philippines despite the shitty government is not an option. But desperate feelings find desperate moves. I don't know! I have a lot ...