Space Between

I have been holding on to these tears for quite a while because one, the source is unnecessary and two, it's something I should have long acted on. But for someone who's trying to fix her life and owning up to her mistakes, the pain of constant trying is so hard and exhausting. Sometimes, accountability and resilience aren't the best of friends. But for now, before I wash away all these thoughts, literally, let me cry all these pain out. Let me open again myself to the vulnerability of my emotions. Let me bawl and be ugly meantime. I promise to be the strong person that I am again after. I promise that this will just be fast.  And for sure, after all this, I will still remain a resilient one. I will hold on to whatever I have. I will try to become a better one.  There's no other choice around, really. And that's how we live this life. Prayers still.  

It’s a new year and I realized, I have not written my thoughts for quite some time now. Days and months have passed, and things are quite the same still. You know what’s different? The impact. These days, I have quite grown to live with the challenges in my life. But don’t get me wrong. I still cry the ugliest cry. I still bawl in the CR in a snap. I still shout while driving. I still feel worried. I still feel anxious that anytime someone from behind will stab me, literally and figuratively. I still feel the pain. I still am sad of things that happened and that were done to me. But as they say, you do not and cannot forget the pain. You just learn to live with it. Until now, no one has sincerely sent an apology or showed regret. I shouldn't wait, really. Maybe there will come a time that they will realize the scar they left on me. Maybe not. And I am still trying not to care. I’m persuading myself that because I have different views and practice from people I grew up with,...

I got my salary last week. After a few days, it turned into less than a quarter of it. I have some for my gas and a little allowance. But that’s it. I was on lunch break. I asked a friend to go elsewhere with me so I can rant. He was working from home. I asked another, but he has not replied as of this time. Who do I turn to? No one in my mind. I thought of getting coffee. I finally had a commercial coffee last Monday after months of persuading myself. My budget still allows one for me. But I opted not to. I’ll just save money for something else my son and I really need. I wanted to entertain myself. I went down to find something interesting, which I do not even know what.   I thought of having retail therapy. But my budget says not now. I faced the mirror. I wasn’t happy. I have lines and they get more. I have loose skin. And I got unhappier. I paused from work. But I thought of something else. So I went back to grinding. I guess this is my life now- Alone, ageing, bor...

Today, I am playing chess with myself. I ran out of moves.  I don't know where to go anymore. Checkmate. Stalemate. But the good thing about the chess game is that you can easily wrap up and do another thing.  But life is not a chess game. You do not just wrap up and do another thing. In real life, you look back and see that the game you started is still there. Worse, at times, you start another game with another player and end up with the same thing. I don't want to play another chess game. My hands are full playing with my own games. 

Para sa akin, Tapos na 'yun. Nangyari na 'yun. Kung nakakuha ka ng apology o hindi, sincere man o hindi, pinagsisihan man o hindi, hindi na mababago ng panahon ang nangyari at ang nagawa niya. Sana lang hindi na maulit. Kaya sa huling pagkakataon, namnamin mo ang pakiramdam. Saglit lang, kung maari. Pagkatapos, ikahon mo na para hindi na muling dalawin ang utak at ang damdamin.  -Ako pa rin.  

Sometimes, I hate my life. I hate my choices. I hate my decisions. I hate what I have become. I hate my mind. I hate my self.  I hate my fate. (But I love my life because of my child)

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Literally and figuratively. My neck hurts. My heart is sore. My brain is sulking. My thoughts are here again. I drugged myself with caffeine today. Hoping to feel better. I shed tears while brushing my teeth a while ago. Hoping my ducts will be empty. I am writing. Hoping these thoughts will go away. I feel some relief. My cheeks are slowly starting to pull my lips upwards. My teeth are showing. My eyes are opening. Let me help myself more. This is so soothing.  Indeed, these words are better read than imagined. Keep pulling away from me so I can step back further. And eventually, slowly, I hope this is how easy everything will be.

Last week, I finally drove by myself. Aaaaand it was so liberating.  Since I was 18 years old, I have already had my professional Driver's License but did not practice that much because, one, manual transmission was very difficult for me and second, there is an upward road in our area which I just can't get through with. Dad even had to let go of our van because no one was driving it. Boo me. I'm such a disappointment.  So, for the past years, either I have to commute, hail a cab, book a Grab or depend on someone in order for me to go to places. (To be fair to life, I was able to get one but had to let go of it for a better life.) It was frustrating to have the capability to get one but not have the skill to navigate it. Even more to see your family get sweaty while chasing the Grab car or to get other people adjust their car space just for us to get accommodated. But tadaah. Fate said I need to do things by myself and wanted me to be road-independent. So, imagine having th...

My counsellor told me to jot down my feeling every time I have so much of it. So here I am complying. -Today, I am very much overwhelmed with a lot of things that I do not know. Being in my comfort zone for more than 15 years is taking its toll now. I am of age and is still realizing that I know very little now about the industry I have been with for 15 years. It’s frustrating, very. -Teach your sons how to be compassionate and responsible. Teach your sons how to treat women and not only on how to treat women by doing house chores. Those are different. Teach your sons how to be a good man in the future. Teach your sons so that you will no longer need to defend them in the future. -Someone once asked me if I miss the person. I said no. But I miss what a person can do to make life easier. -I asked God this morning- “Lord, ito na ba yun? Wala na ba talaga akong pag-asang magkaroon ng maasahan sa buhay?” Croo. Croo. -Sabi ni Pareng John Mayer, pagod na raw siya mag-isa. Eh paano pa...

Today, I’m writing this away from the career I had for more than 15 years. Yes, I started anew after a painful journey. And although it ended with a heartbreak, it also reminded me to start moving on. So how do I move on? This is actually not only about my career life. This is about my life, per se. To sum up- I had my fair share of bad relationships; unresolved childhood issues; wrong decisions; bad moods and habits; trust issues and probably, current substandard solutions. I am so mad at myself for doing things over and over again. I have been reading and hearing stuff which I need to do but the pain of letting go seems harder than having to endure the same thing as shit happens. Well, maybe not for all, though. On a lighter note, I started accepting some relationships I have as it is. I have been faced with years and years of evidence and I guess, it’s time to take one step backwards and stare at certainty. I could have lost in defending myself in that area but it’s not a batt...

 I know you have caused joy in my life. But you, at the same time, has caused so much pain and disappointments in the span of your stay. I am not sure if you have to stay. - Me to my girdle. Hoho.

I have been crying for several months already. I even reached the point when I do not recognize the reason why I am crying anymore. Although I know the factors contributing to it, I cannot pinpoint anymore which amongst those caused again the tears. Eventually, my eyes ran out of tears and I went back to my civil self again. My friend told me that I had so many issues on my hands. The same friend suggested to handle things one at a time. As I multi-tasker, I wanted to accomplish tasks all in one sitting, if I can. And I though I can, fate has other plans.  So here I am, waiting for the time fate has written for me. I am about to finish one in a month, hopefully, but then, the reason for it is already far out of my hands at this time. Still, I am hopeful that fate has better plans. So, please, fate, I have faith in you. Please have better a horizon for me.

I now understand this feeling. You look at them and they are not like you. You look at them and they don't act like you. You look at them and they have things not in you. And then, there's the feeling again. I know this.  Everyone utters this. Everyone hates this. Everyone blames this. And I am one of everyone. Then, you look at them and they don't seem to have this feeling with you. You look at them, back again.

The last time I felt devastated was almost 15 years ago. I was not happy with my job in a multi-national company; Not happy with what I was doing; Not happy where I was; and lastly, not happy with how love treated me. Back then, I thought of going to another country to start a new life. I remember, I got 2 calls from an employer in Singapore, so I suppose, I was marketable even then. But it was more of a desperate move. Luckily, I got things a little bit straight. But only until such time. Today, I am feeling it again. Thinking of transferring to a new company and make a new story. Thinking of getting a new life and make new history. But just the past days, I thought of migrating to a new country.  Whaaaaat? I have never entertained the thought of living in a different country (Other than the case I mentioned). I love to travel, but living outside the Philippines despite the shitty government is not an option. But desperate feelings find desperate moves. I don't know! I have a lot ...

January pa lang but I feel like it's forever. We got sick. One big plan crushed. More frustrations. P800.00 thrown elsewhere. Brain is drained. Would have to wait for 12 more months before I can do something big. Please, kapit lang.  

Just a while ago, while I was getting interested in other people’s life, I bumped into a new word which exactly describes what I have been longing for for years- a rock. What would it be like to find someone rocker than you? What would life be to have a rock? What would it be like to share a life with a rock? I’m tired of being the rock of my own. I need a force stronger than me. Something similar but has other qualities. Something harder after a bad weather. Something stable when I am fickle. You’re right. That’s what I am looking for all this time. Surprisingly, I got that one from you. May napapala naman pala ako sa pagiging Marites ko.

I have been alone for years. And I wanted to be alone. But I still don't want to be alone. And it is okay to be alone.   But I am not alone.  Why do I feel alone? Because I wanted to be alone. But me alone is not being alone. I am not alone. I just think I am alone. And I am used to being alone. And it is okay to be alone.

I don’t even know how we got sick. You see, I have been very compliant with the rules since Day 1. I even add Science to my home policies to stay protected and safe ( Because IATF is simply unreliable for the past years). I see people going out. I hear people on vacations. I watch people loiter in malls. I hear people come and leave their houses. Mask on their chins. Kids tagged along. Chatting loudly. Like nothing is new.   And still, I decided to stay at home to keep myself and my family safe. And now, we’re sick. And still, people think they are responsible. Tingin niyo magandang tandem ang bulok na gobyerno at matigas na ulo na mga tao?!? Swerte niyo mga ooooll!  Yes, people around are so annoying. And they call themselves the smartest and even the best ones. Ugh.    Doing everything at home for years has become boring. Isolation is even more boring. Getting sick while stuck at home because of other people is its peak.

This has probably been the longest time I have been sick. Every morning, I check on myself and ask how I am feeling. It’s been 6 days now and I have not been getting a nice answer. Last weekend, I stayed on the bed for quite longer than usual. I curled myself up because as they say, rest and sleep will make me better. But hell knows how my brain works while on the bed, awake. Good thing that part of my thoughts that day is my usual weekend routine which is cleaning the CR. So I checked on myself if I can. And even if I still am not at my best, I requested my body to cooperate because my brain simply doesn’t want to stop pushing my ass. Then, I headed to the CR. Put on my gear. And there I was, gently making small scrubs to clean my private space. Not the usual thorough that I do but just enough to make me satisfied. Took a bath after. Laid back on my bed. Checked on myself again. Sighed. And then, rested a bit happier.

I sit here waiting for my birthday. Thinking. Hoping. I sit here staring at the window. Thinking. Flying. I sit here dreaming. Thinking. Giggling. I sit here drowning with thoughts. Thinking. Fighting. I sit here crying all the pain out. Thinking. Healing. I sit here smiling at my love. Thinking. Patting my back. I sit here resting while I can. Thinking. Believing. I sit here frowning at thoughts. Thinking. Nodding. I sit here checking the time. Thinking. Recalling. I sit here pouring my brain. Thinking. Recording. I sit here writing. Thinking. Reflecting. I sit here. Thinking. Living. Breathing. Loving. I sit still. But inside, everything is working.